hey friends! Still in an anxiety spiral about house buying, so not much to report other than that my anxious brain is throwing me for several loops a day, but I think there is an end in sight. Being in sustained limbo like this is an exercise in letting go, which I hate and think is absolute garbage. (Which probably means I need the lesson, doesn’t it?)
Today’s essay is a bit about that feeling and all of the other big, big feelings that this process has brought up and will probably continue to. It’s an attempt to write myself into some peace. If you are the praying kind, I’d appreciate any support your gods, your guides, or your ancestors could send our way.
this could be good
I have spent the last two weeks pinging back and forth between excitement and terror as my partner and I navigate the process of buying our first house. It’s a loaded thing, a way of reclaiming agency and building the equity that we have not felt in past relationships. A way of moving forward in ways that, speaking for myself, I never thought would be possible for me.
It is a beautiful moment. And it is bringing up every single insecurity my brain has ever had. When I am stressed my body wakes me in the middle of the night to stare at the ceiling locked in a deep, self-made terror in a way that feels uncomfortably familiar to the punctuated sleep of my drinking years. My brain is creative, painting every single thing that could potentially go wrong in the vivid colors of everything that has ever hurt me.
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